Anniversary

An anniversary is generally a happy time, a celebration in some way of an event we want to remember. It probably says something similar to that in the dictionary but in a broader sense an anniversary may also call up something we might just as soon forget.

From my end this was the week last year that I was notified that I was being laid off. Yup, laid off. Okay, you could just as well say fired, retired, downsized,dismissed,discharged, or any one of another set of verbal images but the result would be the same. Out of work and now, a year later I am still out of work. Regular work that is and when you fall from a 200K slot down to unemployment you wind up doing some downsizing of your own. I sold the motorhome, sailboat, Harley Davidson, furnishings and let the house go for 300K less than it cost to build three years ago and my 2008 pick-up went back to the bank. Now I live in a trailer in Clearwater...on US19 no less! OK...its a shithole and I hate it but it is mostly dry and it is paid for. So is my new ride, a twenty four year old F-250 that starts on most mornings when there is no water in my diesel fuel.

Now I am far from the only person in my area that this has happened to. Hear tell we are at near 12% unemployed in the Tampa Bay area and there were a lot of causes but that is mostly water under the dam at this point. Now we are all just dealing with the results and attempting to formulate solutions so it occurred to me that some pro-active innovation, in the best traditions of The Wharton School, could be rewarding.

To that end I will say that I have staked out some prime real estate down near the Gandy Boulevard off ramp and that I am offering attractive sublets to willing citizens who will work cadging hand outs. I get 5% of your daily take and you will make money since I have full demographics and traffic flow rates from FDOT. I can also predict right down to a brass quarter your average daily haul so don't even think of trying to fuck me over .

Okay, this is shift work and appropriate attire is necessary of course. Scuffed boots are de riguer as are presentable, if worn, Blue Jeans. Leave the spit shined Ferragamos and those fancy designer ripped and tattered dungarees under your bed if you still have one or at least inside your shopping cart if your home has become more portable.

If you are new at this then rest assured that I have a marketing section that can supply sign sentiments with just the degree of pathos necessary to your particular situation and in colors to attract maximum visibility; all guaranteed to elicit a buck or a few coins since public perception of your presence generally signals 'wino' and we want to avoid that. Cash is king after all. I also have small children and dogs from citizens on more dangerous turf and all available for rent as an extra touch.

Not comfortable doing the hand out thing? Well there is another solution. You can commit a crime! If you do there is a good chance that the law abiding citizens of the county will send your tired ass straight to prison. If they do, you will get three squares a day, a warm bed and free health care for the length of your stay.

Now I am perfectly willing to admit that prison can be confining. Of course it can but just how confined or comfortable are you under that bridge...or inside that refrigerator carton or dumpster? How much time do you spend watching over your remaining possessions and how many hours does it take every day to find food. Prison can help. Remember those three squares? And when summer gets here there is exercise equipment and an outside yard so you can work on your tan, drop that flab and get in shape. Just like a health club! The best part is that you can learn a new trade and your PO will get you a paying job when you get out. Prison looking better to you? Is it?

Just remember that prison can help you avoid many miseries of everyday life since you won't have any possessions, any bills to pay and no lawn to mow. All you will have is peace of mind, and anniversaries...of course.